I've realized its more than one event
it lasts over 16 months
during those months i have to change
its no more mistakes
like the ones I've made before
its my one and only chance
to change

its a change of plans again
I've said it for two years
but now
its not BOOM and i get to that goal
i have to spend 8 months getting ready
then get half way there
take part in an event
then for another 6 months
get prepared for the new me

man that scares me...

change, choice

that one thing could have changed my life
i could have had an important person missing from my first few years of life

im scared
one little choice = new destiny

what if i made a choice, a mistake that blocks me from becoming who i want to be?

"I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far"

i want you to be who you want to be

how could i have ever known?
those days you missed
those days you cried
those days you hurt
those days you wanted

"Again and again and again and again
왜 그런지 몰라. 왜 그런지 몰라."

Be there for you

are you okay?
--the question i want to ask

i wish we could seriously talk like we used to
when you told me your problems
when i would listen
when you asked for my help
when i tried to give advice
and know you actually needed me
when you would call me
and it would show me that i am actually an useful person

i wish i could be there for you guys

미안해

when will everyones problems disappear...?

friend

the more i stand by and watch
the more i see theyre crumbling
theyre slowly deteriorating
the more i see theyre in much more pain than i am

yet i complain
but they dont they have smiles and is there for me
but what can i do in return?
i havent been the friend i should be
i should have been all ears
i should of been more worried about them

im scared
theyre slowly falling
and all im doing is watching

what kind of friend is that?
what have i become?
ive become the kind of friend
who doesnt listen, and just cares about herself
i havent been there for them

the pain, the suffering i dont know anything
and if i do, i didnt do any helping
i just listened and nodded
felt sad but didnt know how to express it
i wanted to give good advice
but none came out
i wanted to be there for them
but i wasnt even with them

i feel like im slowly tearing our friendship apart
i just look at their "bright" side
i dont know exactly what they are going through
yet they know what im going through

ive changed
ive become cold
ive become a bad friend
i hate it
i dont want to be cold
i dont want to be a bad friend
i want to go back
to the time where i was always there for them
or atleast when i fully understood
their hurt, their pain, their problems

i just wish i could be there for them
and give them the help they need
from me --their friend

im sorry

reality is hitting me hard...
four years...
such a significant number
such a scary number
it can go by fast
it can go by slow

in four years
ill probably be in a place
where i dont know anyone
where i'll try to earn as much money as possible
in four years
i wont be here anymore
this house
this town

its not my friends
its not the strangers
its those the closest to me
i wish i couldnt hear
i wish i couldnt see
i wish this wasnt happening
i cant take this no more

who said fighting gets people closer?
the more they fight
the more they drift away
the more they cause pain

at this rate
four years
we'll all be strangers

what is a family?
my family...
is it really one?
as the days go by
the more they destroy each other
theyre more like enemies
fighting against each other to live

their yells and screams are like crashing waves
their actions and feelings are like broken glass
i dont know if this family
this family can be a whole again
its almost impossible
its like putting a glass cup back together
there are those tiny missing pieces
that let the water flow out
its those missing pieces
that wont put us back together again

im scared
money problems
its always there
its never going away
its more like its showing up more
family problems
it only increases
i dont know what to do
i dont think this family can take it anymore
im scared
scared for my life
people say it wont happen
but anything and everything is possible
just like death coming to you
life changes in a blink of an eye

tomorrow is a brand new day
a new day to show my smile to them
like nothing happened

please god...
help me lord
help my family in this time of need
its tearing not only me
but my whole family apart
lord, i dont think i can take this anymore
ive dealt with it for more than half my life
and it just gets worse
please god
my family members are getting weaker
theyre mentally and physically drained
but having me here
its weighing them down even more
please..
help me
help my family
lord

i dont know which side to stay on anymore
one side tells me this
another side tells me that
another side tells me this and that
another side tells me that and this
which side do i have to listen to?
which side...
i feel like im in the middle of a tug-a-war game