anew

i have to admit. my life isnt the best, but it isnt the worst. sure there are times where i will shake, tumble, and fall. but i promised myself, i cant let that stop me to what i want to become. however these days... i feel something missing. i dont think im truly happy... its not because of friends. they arent hurting me. its not because of my family. they have gone through a lot and now they are slowly getting better. maybe its just myself. im not really sure. it troubles me because alot of what i am facing now doesnt bother me but i feel something missing. is this bad? i feel like i can cry in a second if i just sit down alone. something bothers me. but i just cant figure that out. it frustrates me. whats missing from my life? something isnt there to make me feel better. how do i fix this? ive fixed or tried to fix my flaws. what should i be feeling right now? happy because theres actually nothing that is wrong? sad because theres something missing? disappointed? hurt? regret? maybe its because i dont think i can become what everyone thinks i can become and i dont want to disappoint them like someone else already did. hopefully the missing/troubling part in my life is this simple and i can just try harder to not disappoint anyone. maybe its because i truly want to become something but i tell others i want to be another thing. and everyone tells me i have to be that another thing now that ive chosen and no doubt theres no turning back. maybe its because im scared that i can truly achieve my dream, my goal. the more i think about it, the more problems trouble me. i just avoid it. however i dont think thats what is a hundred percent bothering me that i dont feel truly happy. i would like to say Jen, theres nothing wrong in your life. you dont have to be so sad. you dont have to think so hard. you dont have to be so hard on yourself. but is that what really could happen? everything you do will change your life even your thoughts. it changes your life into a entirely different path. i wish i can just scream out all my feelings. its difficult though. since i dont know exactly how i feel. and how to express them. maybe forgetting all this would be the best. maybe. just maybe it would make my life to the point where i can be happy without an missing parts. i promise myself i will be happy or at least try. i start anew.