anew

i have to admit. my life isnt the best, but it isnt the worst. sure there are times where i will shake, tumble, and fall. but i promised myself, i cant let that stop me to what i want to become. however these days... i feel something missing. i dont think im truly happy... its not because of friends. they arent hurting me. its not because of my family. they have gone through a lot and now they are slowly getting better. maybe its just myself. im not really sure. it troubles me because alot of what i am facing now doesnt bother me but i feel something missing. is this bad? i feel like i can cry in a second if i just sit down alone. something bothers me. but i just cant figure that out. it frustrates me. whats missing from my life? something isnt there to make me feel better. how do i fix this? ive fixed or tried to fix my flaws. what should i be feeling right now? happy because theres actually nothing that is wrong? sad because theres something missing? disappointed? hurt? regret? maybe its because i dont think i can become what everyone thinks i can become and i dont want to disappoint them like someone else already did. hopefully the missing/troubling part in my life is this simple and i can just try harder to not disappoint anyone. maybe its because i truly want to become something but i tell others i want to be another thing. and everyone tells me i have to be that another thing now that ive chosen and no doubt theres no turning back. maybe its because im scared that i can truly achieve my dream, my goal. the more i think about it, the more problems trouble me. i just avoid it. however i dont think thats what is a hundred percent bothering me that i dont feel truly happy. i would like to say Jen, theres nothing wrong in your life. you dont have to be so sad. you dont have to think so hard. you dont have to be so hard on yourself. but is that what really could happen? everything you do will change your life even your thoughts. it changes your life into a entirely different path. i wish i can just scream out all my feelings. its difficult though. since i dont know exactly how i feel. and how to express them. maybe forgetting all this would be the best. maybe. just maybe it would make my life to the point where i can be happy without an missing parts. i promise myself i will be happy or at least try. i start anew.

survive

you went through it all
the pain
the suffering
the torture
the life
the hurt
the disappointment
and yet you still proudly became my father
you went through the toughest times
yet you treat me like the best
through the problems and suffering you had
you promised me, i would not grow up with them
because you know how they felt
sure we might have lost a woman in our lives
but we dont need her anymore
we can proudly stand up to her
and say we have a great life without her
all those hospital trips
the torture of going there almost everyday
is slowly decreasing
today is an important day
you survived through it all
all those times you said
you were going to die
well its time for change
and i pray for you 아빠
because im your daughter
i was always proud of who you were
and to this day i still am
most of the time i never got to say those three words
i love you
even though i meant to say it
i just never got to
but i will say it today
i love you daddy
사랑해요 아빠
forever.

영원히 아빠의 딸,
이정은

promise

what i learned today:

my hand does not turn red unless its dipped into burning water or its OD cold
and it turned red today -_-;;

gosh stupid cousin... i bought the bbang he wanted last time i bought him the wrong bbang
and this time hes like i dont like this -_____________-;;
i spent money on him and he doesnt want it AISH

Summer `08 was love<3
and i miss it D:

i have promised my wife that we will hang out again and i will join the crew when they are hanging out.

fact i learned today:

“Losers make promises they often break. Winners make commitments they always keep.”

-Denis Waitley

are you a loser or winner?

잘못했어요
죄송해요

today

what i learned today: friends are mad important :]

today....
i went to school
i took 1 algebra test
didnt finish so now its a take home test :D
i took 1 french test
i failed that for sure D;
i went to chemistry
didnt take the test
i told him i didnt get it so we didnt take it :D
i went to gym
didnt do anything but just space out D;



friends are mad important :D

quote that i learned today:
“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to point where we're not all still friends.”

election is officially over.

what i learned today: obama is the 44th president of the united states of america
he is the first african/black american president
& he is the first president from hawaii

todays the day for change
on january 20th it is inauguration day
the day barack obama will take office

hopefully the country would change
in a good way....

goodbye george bush
hello barack obama

i saw oprah winfrey on tv in chicago :O
and now barack obama is in grant park, chicago
giving his victory speech

congrats to barack obama :]

ps RIP to obama's grandmother & jennifer hudson's mother, brother, and nephew

missing the past

what i learned today: i miss the past
i miss the past.
i miss how we used to hang out all the time
i miss how it was husband & wife, bff <3
i miss how we would do all the weirdest things
i miss the memories we had
i miss those days

i cant find them anymore
its all disappear
i try and try
but its not the same anymore
how it changed
ill never know
all i can do is watch the scenes unfold
watching our friendship disappear
without saying a peep
its what i have to do
because people always change
although i miss those times
where we were the closest friends alive
i cant do anything now
because you other people now
i tried not talking to you
it felt really weird
i thought i could not talk to you
and be happy with my other friends
wow it became different
but to tell you the truth
i dont want to go up to you
now it seems you dislike me
its always i gain a friend
i lose another
i guess its you that i lost
best friends forever...? not anymore
husband & wifey--not anymore
friends...? maybe but im not sure anymore...

quote i found today:
“It is strange... that the years teach
us patience; that the shorter our time, the
greater our capacity for waiting.”
-Elizabeth Taylor

:O

what i learned today: found some people who can listen to my problems :]

OH EM GEE
freakin stuffed from eating at pizza hut
D;

atleast now i have people i can talk to
i missed talking to them
i feel alot better

but now i think if we get further apart
its not going to make me feel so emo

Happy Halloween
sure its happy....
not really
i only have this girl i can talk to
because others would bitch saying im talking crap
and the other girl is not as close to me anymore
i dont really know whats going on in my life
the more time passes by
the more it scares me
its changed from what it was in the summer
i can tell
you say nothing
but i see it all
youre getting farther away from me
its me that you dislike now
you dont think of me as such of a close friend
sometimes i really think
who can i really depend on?
who can i say my thoughts and problems
and not be labeled as someone who talks sh.t behind someones back
when i look at myself...
i hate it
i hate what ive become
i hate where i am today
i hate the friendships i lose
i hate it all
would it have been different if i moved?
would i become happier and better if i just mask my feelings?
would i?
is it worth it?
i dont know how to fix it...
i dont know how i can get it back...
i dont know
i really dont know
and i hate the fact that i dont know
i hate the fact that because of me, im losing it
it... personally i thought it wouldnt change that easily
boy was i wrong...
i no longer have conversations with you
without you giving me a look, not giving me a reply, or giving me a reply just to get rid of me
would it be better if we werent friends?
would it make it better for you?
im no longer there...
you dont need me...
you have other people now
who can have your back stronger than i can
im no help to you
im just an annoying thing that gets in your way
its no longer happy with jen. its silence/wtf with jen.
do you want me to be your friend?
there are days where you can just hate me
but when it goes from close to far apart over and over again
within a month...
i really dont know what your intention is...

i isolate myself
i isolate myself because when i look
i see no room for me to just be in it
i see discomfort for if i join i will make everything go down
but when i am asked because i told you to ask me
that feels indescribable
its like you asked me but dont want me there
i dont want to be asked if you dont want me there
i dont want to just be asked because i told you to ask me
i want to be there because you want me there
every freakin day i ask myself
am i happy with myself?
every freakin day the answer is no.

when i look at a problem that someone has
even if its a small problem
i think about it 24/7
i dont give the best advice right when you ask me
because somethings i never felt
but i think it over and over and over
it keeps bothering me.
if you told me you had problems because of a guy or something
and you want to get rid of it or him or what not
i think of it 24/7--not literally because i cant think that long
but the times i think the times im in school
sure i think about it
even if i didnt do a project
i cant sleep
when i try to sleep and i know something is wrong with someone
i cant just sleep perfectly fine
its something that bothers me
that something is bothering you
its my fault
friends...
theyre the only people can understand me
and be there for me
theyre so important when alittle fight happens
i get so frustrated that i ruined my friendship
it pisses me off that i did something and it just ruin the friendship
im disappointed in myself
who the hell am i to be this way?
who the hell am i to be such a freakin emtional person?
its not like my friend was killed
but to me losing a friend is having a friend killed
i guess im just a crazy person
i guess i am



and im sorry
if you dont want me as a friend
then dont have me as a friend
sorry i piss you off
sorry i ask but do totally the opposite thing
its not like im important anymore
you have many people that have your back now
im sorry
for being such a bad friend