"sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" --lies

hearing all theses things
coming from my family really makes me feel depressed
hearing you bitch, homeless, hobo, and things
why are you living here?
why dont you get out of this house?
why dont you live with your dad?
go somewhere that you fit with
all the remarks and more
makes me cry all the time
yet i hear it atleast once a week
and all i can do is swallow those words
and go to school the next day like nothing happened
or even the next morning i wake up and act like it just didnt happen
tears flow down. no matter how hard i try to stop, they just flow. they blur my vision.
yet no one knows this fact. that i cry. i really cry almost everyday because of those words
even there are times where my voice would get scratchy from crying.
i really dont want this.
i know everyone gets insulted
but for me, this hurts the most than anything.
whoever said "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" is definitely wrong.
words hurt. they really do.

총 맞은 것처럼

총 맞은 것처럼 정말 가슴이 너무 아파
i dont know what it is...
maybe its just my fault
i feel i'm getting so far away from my friends and family
losing my connection with them
its just not the same anymore
the more i get depressed
i hate this
but all i have to do is smile
all i have to do is be happier
forget all my doubts
but i cant
when i see people i care about
all i see is our strings getting detached
and all the bad things i done or said to them
i feel more apologetic
i feel more outcasted
i want to just scream
i want to just cry
and forget everthing
but why is this so hard...?

aish

smile. laugh. be happy.

gosh freakin computer is bothering me so much... -_-;;
i cant watch any videos on it cause it wont load
cause it wont connect to my internet wireless thing
but instead it connects to linksys or something like that
and it has a freakin virus or something
its not like i can fix it... i have no money D:
i have the worst luck with technology
no joke -0-;;

i sound like a first grader complaining
but oh well
the computers pissing me off
AISH and i wanted to watch somethings D:<
when my step sister comes imma use her computer LOL
>:D good idea jen :] LMAO

i really want a new laptop as my birthday present
but i highly doubt im going to get one
i didnt even get my ipod back from my dad
now im wanting a ipod touch cause i have no ipod at all
sigh...
im too greedy -_-;;

i'll just wish those things
since i wont be able to get these things
i rather just wish for it
then ask my family for it
they dont have to spend crap load of money for me

UPDATE

ODDDDDDDDD!
im like singing gee with teresa right now LOL
i dont think imma be able to sleep today
i ate so much sugar today... no joke D:
im sleeping over teresa's house
cause we have alot of shows to watch XD
shes camwhoring right now while i write this
only if my wife could sleep over one day
i would love that

i spent my valentines day
walking for OD amount of time D;<
i walked like five pal parks
seriously

well imma go watch 떴다 그녀!
byeeeeee :]

tired

im so tired mentally and physically
no matter how many times i rest or sleep
nothing changes...
someone... help me

모르겠어

everyday just feels like a habit,
i wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, and go to sleep.
nothing really excites me for real.
nothing really makes me happy.
nothing really makes me feel better.
it does feel any better the next day.
its just something i do. something that just happens.
when am i going to have a life where i can anticipate on the next day?
나는 진짜 모르겠어.
i just feel more distance towards everyone.
like im in my own little world. trapped. with no exit.
no matter how many times i yell for help, there's no answer.
someone get me out of this place. someone rescue me.
get me out of this day to day "habit"
i dont want to feel numb anymore.
도와줘. 난 여기서 나갈 방법을 모르겠어.

update

update on my life

1. my eye is swollen

ughhhhhh...
its even more swollen than when it was swollen yesterday
and it hurts...
sigh...

2. i got acupuncture

OH GEE
that hurt ALOT
and i have to get that like every other saturday now
plus i have to sit straight... all the time

3. i cut my bangs

major disaster
i have to wait and grow out my bangs
so i can cut it correctly

brownies

i finished making brownies ten minutes ago
so tired.
i made 44 brownies...
12 failed.
30 is going to go to the bake sale.
and i have 12 extra i made for just eating LOL
i'm tired. i keep telling myself i need another person to help,
but everytime i still work alone...
sigh...
anyways im tired so imma go to sleep

person

what kind of person gives someone an item, like a sweater, and demand it back couple months later saying that the other person stole it?











i know someone like that...

uncle

uncle, how are you? i hope you're fine. 보고싶어요. you left four years ago, but it still feels like yesterday. uncle, the more i get older, the more i wish i had more memories of you. i could tell that you were a smart and great person. you were daring and outgoing. i still remember the first time i saw when i came back from california. you just got out of your blue cadillac with a lollipop in your mouth. i looked out the window and saw you coming up to our door. i remember that last summer i had with you. we went to the statue of liberty with our family from california. everyone didn't think you would leave couple months later. your one and only sister, and two brothers came. what a rare event that was. uncle, i really don't know if grandma's doing better. i really hope she is. but losing you was a big shock to her. i'm sorry i didn't visit you today. when i came home from school, everyone left to see you. i miss you. i really do. i wanna tell you that your brother's getting better, that i'm getting good grades and i'm still listening to the advice you told me, that my sister always say that the person who told her about hiphop, rap, and r&b was you, that your son and daughter are growing up, and your brother is doing alot so that your children don't miss out on not having a father. i really wish you were here to see all this. but i bet you're watching from heaven. uncle, watch over everyone okay? cause everyone still loves and misses you. 작은 아빠 사랑해... 보고싶어... 영원히 ♥

RIP
04.30.1970 - 02.02.2005