feel

i have presents to give out...still. yet, i don't really want to. Not because i want to keep the presents. But because i think the presents i got for people will disappoint them. i'm scared. these presents aren't the best ones. i wish i had so much more time and money to pick out the perfect for each and every one of my friends.






right now...
my head is about to burst. it hurts. the pain thats all around is hurting with no words to describe. its been going on for a while now. why won't it go away?

081225

christmas wasnt what i expected to be
i hoped it was the time my family gathers and exchange gifts
the time where you get to see each and everyones smile
but it wasnt
there were no smiles that i saw
i saw christmas as any other day
it just had a special name
i disappoint everyone again no matter what i do
sure i saw my family
but it wasnt for long
i didnt even see my dad today
my grandmother and sister went to church
my grandfather and i were just home

i drank two cups of coffee and one cup of chocolate
waiting for this day to pass
it doesnt relax me though
i pictured this christmas to be more heartwarming
but i guess i was expecting to much
i guess part of it is my fault
i must have not been nice, caring, or loving this year
cant i see a normal christmas again?
but then again with this family
what is a normal christmas?

im putting all my hope for a good new year's day atleast
please let that day be good...

christmas

in one and a half hours it will be christmas...
its a holiday which everyone celebrates annually
but its different this time...
this time i get to see my dad be free from being trapped
this time i get to see my grandparents laugh
this time i get to see my sister smile
this time i get to see the love i'll always remember
this time i get to see my family be happy for just a moment
this christmas i hope it'll bring everyone joy, love, and comfort


사랑해 할머니, 할아버지, 언니, 아빠, 엄마, 시온, 혜린, 혜민, 슬기, MA, JK, ST, MF

너무너무너무 미안해

나 어떻게...
시간이 너무 없어서
아무것도 할수없었어
만날 핑계만 하면서
ㅅㅅ..선물 못샀어
미안해 친구들아
너무 미안해
할말없어
i don't know how i'm going to tell you guys tomorrow
i'm sorry
i didn't have anytime
i'll get you guys your present when its the break
i promise
can you wait.....please?

눈

The snow has fallen. It falls so lightly. Just looking at it, you can see its pureness and innocence. I wish it was just as pure and innocent. When we were, mostly around this time we would just worry about what gives we're getting for Christmas. Without a care in the world, we would just anticipate on those presents. Just throw away the pain, the sorrow, the disappointment, the anger, all those negative feelings. I want to walk. Walk without thinking about where I would be going. Just to clear my mind. For at least a minute...

“..i believe in you, i believe in your mind..” - brown eyes - 벌써 일넌
I believe in you. Each and every one of you. I trust you, but its so hard at times. It shakes, it thins, it strains. I hope I really can trust each and every one of you to the fullest.
“..약속해 나절대 널 떠나지 않은게 이렇게 늘 니옆에서서..”- wonder girls - saying i love you
You're always there. Promise me you'll never leave me all alone. Be by my side always. I need you. Who am I supposed to talk to if you're gone?
“..아무말 안해도 나의 눈만 봐도 내마음을 알곤 했잖아..” - 조성모 - 너 하나만
One day, you'll know what I'm feeling by looking at my eyes and without me telling you. You're almost there. I'm trying to also be that person that can read you well, too.

My friends--O HM, A/H HR/MH, K SK, B RA, F M, A M, T S

meaningful

it made me smile that i made someone happy. not because of something i bought but because of something i made and took chemistry time to make it. i am glad. i should do this often. i decided i am going to give letters to people for fun. that way i have something to do LOL and i can tell them in a way that i care for them, i love them, and that they are my friends. a letter is something that i can say what i want to them without getting interrupted. its meaningful. :]

smile

i think figured out why i do not say no. i hate the face expression when i say no. they are just asking for a favor. when i see a smile instead it makes me feel so much better. maybe that is why i do not reject. i will try to keep a smile on my face if that makes people feel even a little better. it is better that way. they do not have to go through things i have to go through. they do not need to know my pain. it is not their fault so they do not need to feel that pain. i do not want to be pitied anymore. i just want to keep my problems to myself. other people do not need to know that i am actually going through a tough time. it makes me feel much better that i chose the path i took even if it is small as giving food to someone that and it makes that person happy. even if it is just a little bit. i do not want to be selfish anymore. i want to make other people happy instead. it would be better that way. but i do not know how. i do not know how to comfort people. i only have ears for listening and shoulders for someone to lean on. i can only be a book just listening, understanding, never comforting, but keeping those secrets within me. i was never good with words. i just like to listen. that is the only thing i am good at. maybe someday i will be able to comfort people when they come to me instead of being just ears. until that day, i am going to keep smiling. so i do not make others feel sad or things that because of me.

times

what i learned today:

To equal the average number of abortion deaths in one year, the terrorist attacks on the Wold Trade Center would have had to been more than 400 times more lethal.

times have passed.
i dont really know what to say anymore.
there are good times, bad times, stressful times, & joyful times
i just have to accept them all

Quote I learned today:

“knowledge is power”
-Francis Bacon